A Hallmark x Strauds Christmas Story
Disclaimer: This production is in no way endorsed by or associated with Hallmark.
INT. FANCY SAN MYSHUNO APARTMENT
We see VLAD who is a VAMPIRE. He appears to be in some distress, hunched over an unfinished Christmas decoration.
ETHREN enters. He is a STERN BRUNCH DADDY and a LAWYER. He is wearing a coat, an expensive suit, and two expensive Italian leather shoes.
Hello VLAD. What is the meaning of this? I’m a big shot lawyer with no time for Christmas.
Hello my husband who I feel resentful towards due to our diverging opinions on how much Christmas decor is too much Christmas decor. This is Christmas decor and the meaning of it is to be decorative.
I believe that any and all Christmas decor is bad and also I am a big shot lawyer and I make too much money to care about Christmas.
I believe that no amount of Christmas decor is too much and also I am unemployed and have a lot of time on my hands.
I need to go and do some big shot lawyering now. I demand that all of this Christmas decor is removed by the time I return to this fancy San Myshuno apartment.
I promise but I have no intention of keeping that promise. Also I resent you despite your attractive stern brunch daddy appearance.
INT. FANCY SAN MYSHUNO APARTMENT
We see ETHREN enter. The Christmas decor has escalated. VLAD is standing by the sofa.
What is still the meaning of this? There is more Christmas decor than previously, completely in violation of my very reasonable request?
You need to relax. Let me bring you some pumpkin spice plasma.
That is irrational. I am too important and wealthy to relax and neither of us can taste spices anyway.
But it is festive! You just need to realise the value of Christmas and Christmas decor.
I DO NOT TOIL AWAY AT MY BIG SHOT LAWYER JOB JUST SO YOU CAN SPEND ALL THE MONEY ON PUMPKIN SPICE SHIT THAT WE CAN’T EVEN TASTE.
ETHREN (YELLING CONT’D):
I HAVE HAD IT WITH THIS MOTHER-FUCKING CHRISTMAS DECOR ALL OVER THIS MOTHER-FUCKING APARTMENT.
That sounds like a ‘you’ problem.
Pack it up, VLAD. I want everything in here gone by the time I return.
VLAD (TO THE CAMERA):
Everything, he says. Very well.
EXT. UPTOWN SAN MYSHUNO
We see CALEB who is a VAMPIRE and a DRUG DEALER. He is wearing a smug expression and is dressed in the fashions of the cholo subculture. He is doing a finger
fun gun. ETHREN walks past him.
ETHREN (TO HIMSELF):
As a successful and busy man in a big city, my greatest fear is losing my husband to a moderately attractive small town woman with a small child and/or dog.
I could not help but overhear and I suggest drugs and possibly also kisses to drown your spouse-related sorrows.
I see no downsides to this proposal as I am wealthy and thus presumably duplicitous and of weak moral fibre.
ETHREN and CALEB do some kissing and drugs.
INT. FANCY SAN MYSHUNO APARTMENT
VLAD (TO AN ORNAMENT):
I am unhappy with the current state of my marriage and the hostility towards Christmas decor in this fancy San Myshuno apartment. I shall go to my father LATIMER in the small town where I grew up. He has begged me to return and I now regret leaving for my stern brunch daddy husband who turned out to be more stern and less brunch than anticipated.
We see VLAD wearing a SAD FACE while leaving behind two little blue baubles on ETHREN’s side of the bed. The baubles are symbolic of VLAD’s dissatisfaction when it comes to the amount of both holiday decor and marital relations.
We see a SMALL TOWN which is not in the South as unexpected snow in the South is not magical but terrifying and always leads to a fistfight at the Piggly Wiggly.
INT. SMALL TOWN COFFEE SHOP
We see a SINGLE MOTHER whose name is ALICE. Her boobs are small but her heart and her head is big.
I make great coffee even though I am very clumsy. Why have I not found a man? I have a very difficult child, I should probably have several men to deal with this.
VLAD enters the coffee shop. With him is LATIMER who is his FATHER and wears a FESTIVE HAT. VLAD wears a FROWN.
Hello ALICE who I already know. Please make two coffees for me and my pale son who you have not seen for many years but still remember.
Hello VLAD. I do indeed remember you from when we were children and went to the same school because this small town has but a single school. I myself have a child now although she is not with me at present. She has no father.
Hello ALICE who I have not seen since we were younger. I see that you have gotten a fatherless child and also boobs since then. I am fine with both of these things.
I value your approval because both my fatherless child and my boobs are small.
GWENDOLYN enters. She is an OWL and a TODDLER.
I am now here for no reason. You are both idiots and possibly monsters and/or thieves. I am an owl.
I am mortified. Please excuse my strange child.
I like strange children. And also murdering.
We must leave. I am an old bearded man and I have secret old bearded man stuff to do that I will insist has nothing to do with Christmas. Goodbye.
VLAD and LATIMER leave.
INT. LATIMER’S OLD CABIN
We see LATIMER and VLAD. There is barely any Christmas decor.
VLAD my son, I am pleased that you have come to visit. You have arrived at a crucial time, as this town suffers from a distinct lack of Christmas cheer.
There is now a moderate amount of Christmas decor.
This lack of Christmas cheer saddens me. How can I be of assistance?
The people are sad because there is no snow this year. Perhaps you can convince your wealthy husband to sponsor a Christmas parade to raise the spirits of the townspeople? Unfortunately, this town is too poor and rural to afford either snow or parades.
There is now an excessive amount of Christmas decor.
Unfortunately, I have left my stern brunch daddy husband because of his irrational hatred of Christmas. We will have to solve this ourselves and I am unemployed and penniless.
Well, shit, dawg.
EXT. CHRISTMAS TREE SALES LOT
We see ALICE and GWENDOLYN contemplate the purchase of a Christmas tree. VLAD arrives.
Oh hi ALICE I did not notice you there even though you are the only woman in this town who is not white. I too am contemplating the purchase of a Christmas tree.
Hello VLAD. I am faced with a conundrum. As previously mentioned I have a very fatherless child and I also have weak female arms that cannot carry both this difficult toddler as well as a Christmas tree home.
I am confused as to why you have gone shopping for a Christmas tree that you cannot carry but I am also flattered by your need for my strong male arms and I will gladly volunteer to assist you.
We see VLAD and ALICE inspect Christmas trees as well as each other and there is much sexual tension (but not too much sexual tension because this is Hallmark).
Suddenly, ETHREN arrives on the scene. He is wearing a coat, an expensive suit, and two expensive Italian leather shoes which will now be ruined. This is making the costume department very upset.
Here you are, wayward husband! I have come all the way from our fancy San Myshuno apartment, missing several hours of very important lawyering, just to find you fraternising with a moderately attractive small town woman with a small child and/or dog. My greatest fear has indeed come true.
ALICE (to GWENDOLYN):
Come, my fatherless child. The man I was rapidly developing feelings for is already married and I am now heartbroken because he can never become your father.
I am an owl.
ALICE and GWENDOLYN leave.
You have upset my love interest on false premises and thus created artificial conflict two-thirds into this movie. I hate you and you are not my real stern brunch daddy.
I am too wealthy to care about your feelings. I only came here to inform you that I will divorce you and marry Caleb instead because he is a big shot drug dealer who also does not have time for Christmas.
We see ETHREN stalk off in both of his formerly expensive but now ruined Italian leather shoes. Frankly, the budget department is not pleased either.
VLAD (TO A TREE):
That romantic relationship would be weird if CALEB was my son but luckily he is not.
EXT. SMALL TOWN COFFEE SHOP
We see MORGYN AND BELLA. MORGYN AND BELLA is wearing a festive dress. ALICE arrives at the scene.
MORGYN AND BELLA:
Hi, I am the white friend and I am the straight friend.
Hello white friend and/or straight friend. I am distraught because I am in love with a man who is already married. As a moderately attractive small town woman with a small child and/or dog, there is no way I can compete with his big shot stern brunch lawyer daddy husband.
MORGYN AND BELLA:
We will commend your sartorial choices in a very straight and non-threatening way to boost your confidence and tell you that you should, like, just go for it because you are, like, a total catch, and VLAD should totally realise that.
You are true white and/or straight friends. I do not know what I would do without your wisdom and emotional support, which is all you are here for.
MORGYN AND BELLA apparently vanish into thin air as they are no longer needed. In fact they have merely turned sideways, thus becoming invisible as they lacked a third dimension.
EXT. ALICE’S RUSTIC CABIN
We see VLAD arriving at ALICE’S rustic cabin. VLAD is pleased with the amount of Christmas decor which is not too little. He knocks on the door and ALICE and GWENDOLYN answer.
Hello ALICE. I am sorry about my stern brunch daddy husband being stupid. I hate him and he is now my stern brunch daddy ex-husband. Please allow me to continue courting you.
I am heartbroken. Therefore I will create further unnecessary conflict in this movie by rejecting your advances even though I desperately want to bone down and it is obvious to the viewers how this will end.
You have betrayed my tiny trust.
ALICE and GWENDOLYN go back inside and VLADISLAUS is SADISLAUS.
EXT. ALICE’S RUSTIC CABIN – CHRISTMAS EVE
We see VLAD who is dressed up as FATHER WINTER. He wears a BEARD and has stacked many presents in front of ALICE’s cabin. He has also brought a Christmas tree.
VLAD (as FATHER WINTER):
Ho ho ho, I have brought many gifts for the fatherless child. Do not question how I financed this venture. It probably had to do with stern brunch alimony.
This is too many presents and also I am bewildered by the fact that I find myself strangely attracted to this FATHER WINTER character.
VLAD removes the costume and the BEARD, revealing a much smaller beard underneath.
Surprise! ’twas I all along.
I feel kinda lied to yet I am still in love with you and down to clown.
Suddenly it begins to snow. We see LATIMER who is wearing a FATHER WINTER costume.
LATIMER (as FATHER WINTER):
Surprise! It was I who was the real Father Winter all along. This should not come as a surprise as I was the only elderly bearded man in town. I have contrived this inane plot to lure Vlad away from his big shot stern brunch lawyer daddy husband because I am desperate for grandchildren.
ALICE joins VLAD outside.
I may be unemployed but I am Hallmark handsome and willing to be a father to your fatherless child. May I please kiss you?
Consent is sexy and this is a true Christmas miracle.
ALICE grabs VLAD and kisses him.
ALICE and VLAD continue kissing in a manner suitable for a TV-PG rating. Their inevitable lovemaking is merely heavily implied.